I have a lot of thoughts floating around in my sea of a cerebellum like sharks without prey. These thoughts can at times be prolific, at times be toxic, and are often lost to the lack of expression I have allowed myself to live with. What is perplexing to me is whether my recent lack of expression is the rebound feeling from the environment I left to get here or if it’s the definition of my current cultural reality. Either way, I need to find a new mental challenge before I lose the ability to be challenged.
I have always felt as if a thought without a purpose cannot exist. Without developing a thought through purpose there is no tangible result proving the reality of thought. Furthermore for a person to not allow a thought to have reality denies oneself the proof of existence that comes from the tangible results purposeful thought allows.
Unfortunately it stands to reason that as I continue refusing to apply my thoughts with purpose I mean to allow my existence to absolve itself of reality. The feeling that this realization brings me is not one of great comfort. I feel nothing. I have injected my reality with Botox defiling its ability to show any signs of existence. I am drowning without struggle in a pool filled with others who can’t comprehend my descent, they too are drowning. Sadly these poor souls are face down and swimming towards the reflection of the sun on the smoothed bottom cement content to believe they are struggling towards salvation and not in fact running from the relief they desperately desire.
I refuse to define my success like others at the bottom of that pool. I want to breathe again. Unlike others I don’t think that getting to the bottom having found a few pennies floating in my path is successful. Success is not the accumulation of minor accomplishments like a stock portfolio littered with life’s junk bonds. Success is the ultimate realization of inner peace. We don’t have that; I don’t have that. What we do have is outer peace. We accept this pool we’re swimming in and continue to kick only hoping to move forward. That is our given purpose. We are living in a no splash zone.
I am tired of swimming down. I want to surface and find purpose for my thoughts. Hopefully after I prove my existence I will come back and do a cannonball in the no splash zone, showing others which way to surface.
